I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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