grandma shit on top of the toilet
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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