I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
