i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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