There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
there was a trapeze. enough said
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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