I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
how do you play pong handcuffed?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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