Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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