sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
