Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
