I never want to see another naked old woman again.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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