Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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