Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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