At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
