remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
