Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize