I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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