she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
