if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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