If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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