you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
