I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
