Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize