.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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