Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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