Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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