i was born a porn star she said
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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