Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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