im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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