remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
