Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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