Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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