dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
