We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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