Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
