I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
