If that was your dad, he is hot
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
