is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
