I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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