My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
