I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
