So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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