1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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