yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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