You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The uberlube is also flammable
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize
