the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
