JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
