omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
