well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
