Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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