Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
