I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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