He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
