Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
