Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
