3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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