when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
