I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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